Heaviest Element Discovered

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

This new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (GV) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy deutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Govermentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy as Govermentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

(I don't know the ultimate source of this gem, unfortunately.)