I Still Can't Cook
I was coming home from church this morning and felt very hungry. Seeing as really nothing is open at 9:15 AM on a Sunday morning, and considering I should be eating in a more budget-efficient manner anyway, I decided to get some milk and eggs from HEB and make scrambled eggs. Perfect, right? Sure. Nevermind the fact that my skill in cooking can properly stored only as a signed bigint.
Except for the fact that I couldn't remember how to make scrambled eggs. Commence the mocking now. I do actually consider myself to be a smart person. I can completely understand how to program, manage a database, etc. I can do all sorts of nifty things on a Unix command line. I have memorized the exact text of some rather large number of passages from many literary, religious, and philosophical works throughout the past 2,500 years. However, the spatula in my apartment apparently has an "Intellect -50" debuff. Oh, and I couldn't call my mommy and ask her, because church isn't over for her yet.
So I decided to attempt to muddle through. I mixed the milk and eggs in a bowl (I think I used approximately the correct proportions, although what comes next made that not only irrelevant but epistemically unknowable). I mixed them with a spoon and poured the mixed contents out...
Backtracking. Right before this, Terra had jumped up onto the counter next to the (heated) stove and, fearing that she should step on the pancake pan thingie that was there, I attempted to, while holding the mixed contents in one hand, pick her up with the other and move her down to the floor. However, my hold on her wasn't very good, and she rolled off my arm and down back-first toward the floor. However, seeing as both of my cats have the kitten buff (Agility +50), she managed to flip herself completely over (in midair. while falling.) and land, you guessed it, on her feet.
Anyway, those who read the last paragraph carefully may have noticed that what was being heated on the stove was, yes, "the pancake pan thingie". This is not suitable for making scrambled eggs, as I found out when I tried to do the "apply spatula to pancake pan thingie" maneuver. I then felt really dumb, and now there is a yellow substance sitting atop the pancake pan thingie while I wait for it to cool so I can dispose of it.
Note to self: Marry a girl who can cook.
Posted by Luke at 9:37 a.m.
You actually can cook scrambled eggs on the pancake pan thingie (aka square griddle), but you have to have the thingie hot before you pour the liquid egg substance on it, and then you have to stir like crazy and pile the rapidly congealing egg substance into a mass in the center. But yes, most people use a small skillet for frying eggs. I have a very nice one I will give to you next time you come over. ...along with a personal tutorial, if you're interested.
Posted by loyalfriend on 2006.10.08 at 4:48 a.m.
Your use of RPG terminology to describe real-world things made this much, much funnier than it otherwise would have been. :-D
Posted by Alan on 2006.10.08 at 11:46 a.m.
I've got to look into why you use milk in eggs. I guess these are for soft scrambled eggs? If you just crack the egg and start frying it on the pancake thingy. Then when it starts to take shape you start hacking at it with a fork, things will work great (although you'll end up with a dry scramble). In any case keep trying. Cooking is kind of like painting. It's an intensely personal expression, and it takes practice. I highly recommend Alton Brown's books if you want the basics and are a science geek (which from what I can tell you are :D). I highly recommend two exercises though if you want to start cooking and eating well:
1) Cook chicken breasts with a George Foreman grill. Use different salad dressings as marinade. As you find what you like start adding spices to the salad dressings to create unique dishes.
Once you're confident with that move on to:
2) Lightly sautee some onions and mushrooms in a skillet with about a tablespoon of olive oil until golden (generally 4 minutes). Cut a pouch in chicken breasts or pork chop and stuff it with the onion, mushrooms and a little salt and pepper. Sautee the chicken breast or pork chop until cooked through (I highly recommend a meat thermometer for this). Start playing with the recipe. Try substituting in different mushrooms (shiitake, woodear, oyster) and perhaps a shallot for the onion. Try adding cheeses such as provolone, goat cheese, or feta.
Good stuff. Easy to make if you're willing to experiment, and you can make them every night. Once you're feeling really good try stuffing a sirloin-tip roast with it. Makes a fantastic sunday meal.
And try http://www.epicurious.com. I found one of the best ways to want to cook is to try to cook fantastic food. If you try for meatloaf and knock it out of the park you might not be that interested in cooking again because it was a lot of work and you ended up with meatloaf. But if you try for a beautiful stuffed roast and it ends up wonderfully you'll probably want to try it again because it was worth the effort.
Finally, I'd highly recommend learning to cook. Most women don't know how these days, and those that do are not that inclined to do it day in or day out. The only people cooking reliably I think are those who feel passionate about it. And it's a great way to meet women and cultivate a wonderful relationship. The conversations you have while cooking and eating are priceless. It's a great way to let go of your stressful day at the office. So I'd highly recommend trying again. And don't feel bad if you fail. I fail a lot. It's important to just go pick up that fast food when you've failed (don't try to eat it, that's like pavlovian torture), and try again the next day. And some day you too could have the United Methodist Women asking your for recipies for their cookbook... :D
Posted by Tim on 2006.10.08 at 1:11 p.m.
You realize that the note to self was a joke, right? ;-)
Posted by Luke on 2006.10.08 at 2:19 p.m.
i'll marry you luke, and cook for you, if you buy me a pretty dress.
Posted by mcoker on 2006.10.08 at 4:46 p.m.
Eggs are a cinch.
Just crack a couple of eggs into a bowl. Get a whisk (one of those wire-stirring things) and stir the hell out of it until it's a thick yellow, gross-looking liquid. Pour just a pinch of salt and pepper in and stir a bit more. Turn on the heat on the oven (on an electric stove I use 6, on a gas I just eye-ball it, so I hope you have electric). Once the pan's hot, use just a little bit of butter or Pam non-stick spray on the skillet. Then pour the eggs and do like your mom said. Just keep flipping and stirring the eggs until they look done. Then enjoy. :)
Posted by Chris Harbison on 2006.10.08 at 5:28 p.m.
I realize you're joking, but seriously it's important. Eating a good meal together every night makes for a wonderful relationship. Dinner is my favorite part of every day even though I have to cook it.
Posted by Tim Thomas on 2006.10.09 at 3:54 a.m.
Pshaw! Gas is better than electric any day (and especially on days like [url=http://www.theeagle.com/stories/100406/local_20061004001.php]last Tuesday in B-CS[/url]) because you can control the temperature much more quickly and precisely.
The key with eggs is not to cook them too quickly (that is, on too high heat). Everything else—adding milk, salt, pepper, cheese, etc.; cooking until they're barely done or until they're bone-dry—is a matter of preference. (If you cook them too quickly the texture turns rubbery.)
Posted by Alan on 2006.10.09 at 5:56 a.m.
I agree, I much prefer gas stoves, but in Luke's case, it's alot easier for me to give a number setting than try to describe the degree of blue and how high the flame reaches. :)
Posted by Chris on 2006.10.09 at 11:57 a.m.
egg beaters! That's where it's at. Much, much better for you, too.
Posted by mcoker on 2006.10.09 at 3:30 p.m.
psshaw. Egg beaters! I thought we'd thrown those out with margarine. :D Eggs and Milk are the good fats and cholesterol. The kind that keep you healthy and build up your cells.
Posted by Tim on 2006.10.10 at 4:30 a.m.
When I used to work at HEB, we had the generic equivelant which was called "HCF REAL EGG PRODUCT" in the system. I laughed so hard when it came up on a report one time.
We also had "CAT POUCH".
Posted by Luke on 2006.10.10 at 6:59 a.m.
I see! I actually had no idea. I just looked at raw nutritional information from whole eggs (mainly the yolk) and egg whites and always opted for the whites (or white substitutes).
Posted by mcoker on 2006.10.10 at 9:00 a.m.
Yeah, they finally did conclusive studies on this recently around the same time as the margarine studies. They both got buried (for obvious reasons). Although, the egg beaters don't have any negative effects I don't think; margarine on the other hand is scary. Don't eat that stuff.
Ok, so after reading up on this we're both a bit right:
http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/fats.html
You get a lot of good stuff from the yolk so eat in moderation. I find this line scary:
"a report from the Institute of Medicine has concluded that there is no safe level of trans fats in the diet". I've got to lay off the McDonald's fries (at least until they replace their oil).
Posted by Tim on 2006.10.10 at 10:56 a.m.
They shouldn't—unless eggwhites do, 'cause that's what they're made from (with a little color added, of course).
Posted by Alan on 2006.10.16 at 10:37 a.m.
crack eggs into bowl, stir till your arm falls off (don't worry, it's just a flesh wound). dump it in a skillet and stab at it all over with a wooden spoon or spatula until they get to your desired way of eating them. milk is used to make the eggs more fluffy.
Posted by Bryan Daniel on 2006.10.18 at 8:13 a.m.
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